MM T 2761. Sketchbook. The illustrated journal

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MM T 2761, fol. 0-R

MM T 2761, fol. 0-Ri

MM T 2761, fol. 1r

To be read
by me only
E Munch

    To be examined after
my death by broad-minded
understanding men
        E Munch
    Sept. 1932

For Professor Schreiner 
from Inger Munch .
April 1944. 

MM T 2761, fol. 1v

There was a high high hill with green
grass and at the top against the sky was
the forest.
Cows and sheep were grazing
and you could hear the sound of bells,
the sky above was blue with white
clouds. But beneath the hill was
a valley. – The grass was so green
and the sky was so blue
But from the forest above a bear could come to
eat the small lambs
and that is why there was a boy with a
cane which he used to chase away the bear. Down in
the valley people were making hay

    There is a white tent and far off many
white tents. Outside the tent sat a man
and the Woman and the Man spoke at length together –

    In the middle of the farm – was a table of grey stone and
chairs of stone around it. A huge barn
with a steep ramp leading to the hayloft was
at one end of the farmyard –
at the other end were low buildings for the cows and
sheep. – A lamb had broken its leg and they
beat it for so long that it died. It was so little and
white. It lay flat on the floor and was barely alive

MM T 2761, fol. 2r

    At the bottom of
the large
double bed
they sat pressed
together
on two small
children’s chairs;
the tall figure
of a woman stood
next to them, big
and dark up against
the window

    She said
she would be
leaving them
was forced to leave
them – and asked
if they
would be
grieved when
she was gone –
and they had to promise
her to keep close
to Jesus then they would
meet her again in heaven
They did not really understand but thought it
was unbearably sad and then they both started to cry,
to sob –

    I shall speak in the first person

MM T 2761, fol. 2v

    It was dark and murky going down the stairs
I held her hand –
and pulled her, I could not get
down fast enough.

    Then I asked her why she
walked so slowly. She always paused
on each step and drew her breath

    But outside the entrance door the daylight blinded
us and everything was so bright so bright.

    She paused for a while
The air was so strangely warm with occasional
wafts of cold. The grass shot up between
the cobblestones; light green grass; it was spring.

    She had a pale violet-coloured hat
and the pink ribbons fluttered with each
waft of wind and struck her in the face.

    Then we walked down Slotsgaden  to the fortress
and gazed at the sea.

MM T 2761, fol. 3r

    It was a dark
children’s room –
our maids and other
maids played with us
they traipsed back and forth
back and forth facing each other and sang
a song that was so
sad. Finally
a girl was
left quite alone
and no one wanted to have
anything to do with
her; the young boy who
had given her the ribbon
and the ring was also gone
and so I had to run to her and take her
hand and comfort her

    It was winter and we sat all day
in the windowsills looking out. Across the street
lived a husband and wife who fought constantly
and once while they were quarrelling the devil came
up behind them and stood laughing.

    He had large horns on his forehead and he had
horses’ hooves and a tail and he was black
all over his body. Once he

MM T 2761, fol. 3v

finally wanted to capture them with his claws
and drag them into hell.
That is why he smiled so.

    They could sometimes see
ram’s hooves in the evenings when
it was dark in the next room
– it was the devil
he wanted to capture them when they were
bad and did not want to go to bed but
if they kept to god he could
not touch them. –

    Large Snowflakes fell
endlessly endlessly. Up against
the air legions of snowflakes could be seen
and you could follow one of them with
your eyes so far almost all
the way to the ground, where they all collected
so softly, one flake on top of the other
the snow lay there like a
blanket, it lay so white and clean
on top of roofs and outside
the window all the way up to the pane

MM T 2761, fol. 4r

it lay so soft and white. –

MM T 2761, fol. 4v

    There were lots of white candles all the
way up to the top, some were dripping
it glowed in all the light colours
but mostly in red and yellow and green.
You could hardly see it was so bright.

    The air was dense with the smoke from the candles and
burnt spruce and reeking smoke

    There were no shadows anywhere, the light crept
into all of the nooks and crannies

    She sat in the enormous black dress (silk)
that seemed even more black in this sea of light
quiet and pale

    Sitting or standing around her were all five

    Father paced back and forth on the floor and
then sat down next to her on the sofa
and they whispered together and leaned
into each other. She smiled and tears ran
down her Cheek

    Everything was so peaceful and bright.

    Then Berta   sang [“]Silent night, Holy night
All is calm, All is bright.[”]

MM T 2761, fol. 5r

    Then the ceiling opened up and one
could see far far into the heavens
and Angels could be seen drifting down into a manger
Smiling and wearing long white tunics. And
we were all enraptured, so enraptured

    Sitting on the sofa she looked at us one after
the other and stroked our cheeks with
her hand.

    We had to go away

    A stranger dressed in black stood at the end
of the bed and prayed.

    The room was murky and the air
heavy and grey.

    We were wearing our outdoor garments and the maid who
was going to accompany us stood by the door waiting

    Then we had to go one by one over to the bed and she
looked at us so affectionately and kissed us. Then we left
and the maid brought us to some
strangers – They were all so kind to us
and we were given as many cakes and toys as
we desired

MM T 2761, fol. 6r

Berta  and Karleman .

MM T 2761, fol. 9r

We were awakened in the middle of the night –
We understood at once
We got dressed with sleep in our eyes

MM T 2761, fol. 11r

    It was hot and humid downtown
it would feel good to come away and
get a bit of fresh air –

    He sat on deck and leaned
against the railing watching
the motley crowd of people
that pushed its way forward to board
the steamer. Fat merchants scorched from
the heat and looking apoplectic,
approached at a run – while wiping their faces.
Professors and students men-about-town and
ladies in light-coloured attire they all stormed
on board in a motley frenzy

    How hot it was –

    My God how hot.

    White on white the city lay hazy and dusty
under the roasting July sun.

    But further out lay the fjord shimmering in silver
and beckoning

    in just a few minutes

MM T 2761, fol. 11v

you will be beyond the city air –

    If only they would hurry now

    Nansen  sat there in his Parisian apparel
and his cane in one hand – observing the ladies
How few he knew of all these
Kristiania  ladies; would that he knew some of them
too, he was 20 years old after all and had not yet
been properly in love

    There come the captain and his wife.
See how affectionate they are towards one another
And even so there is much talk about the wife
how she betrays her husband –

    Is it possible that she has tired of this
brave and dashing man-about-town–

    How strange it is that everyone
falls in love with her

    She is not so terribly pretty
Her mouth is ugly –

    There they come

MM T 2761, fol. 12r

and sat down right across from him –

    I wonder if she remembers that I was introduced
to her half a year ago by the Painter
Nilsen  he was also one of her lovers –

    He nodded in greeting and she nodded in return –

    How haughty she looked, a little
bored. There she offered her mouth for a goodbye kiss

    The bell rang for the third time – glided slowly slowly then
faster and faster out towards the bright shimmering silver

    They sat across from one another

    He gazed steadily at her he was aware
that he cut a good figure. The sea voyage had given
him a tan and his clothes were new and sat well.

MM T 2761, fol. 12v

    You think about a day
such as this when you are very
ill

    The morning was bright and sunny
Everything was infused with a Sunday air

    Then a carriage came towards him and there
sat Madame D . He became a little embarrassed –
he was not dressed well enough to present
himself to ladies. Where on earth shall I
hide, he looked around to see if
he could find an escape – No it was
no use – chin up. He straightened
his tie which hung very carelessly
and brushed his trousers a bit, the trousers
that he had meant to wear out in the countryside. The
carriage was alongside of him, then it stopped
Good day Good morning. She bowed down
at him smiling and heartily offered him her hand
– She looked radiant – squinted
her eyes and laughed

    She glanced at him from top to toe
Your hair is wet; you must have just
climbed out of your cot.

MM T 2761, fol. 13r

You must come visit me tomorrow, today
I am having a ladies’ party – Here look at all
of these lovely flowers. –
– she had the carriage full of large yellow
flowers – look how delightful it is – it is
too lovely – you shall have it and you
shall have this one too – here one in each hand.

    Then she offered him her hand in farewell
and looked at him through her squinting
eyelids. – Good-bye then – good-bye

    He stood there in the middle of the
dirty country road with a large flower
in each hand and gaped and gaped at
the carriage. He felt a bit confused.
Her eyes – the handshake
and the flowers, what did all of this mean

    Then he gave a start she had turned
around in the carriage and was laughing

    He went home and hid the flowers so
no one would see them and pondered and mused

MM T 2761, fol. 13v

    They had been capering about the forest having
fun all Afternoon.

    They made fun and laughed
schoolchildren

    He was just her type
they were so well-suited
she had said and it made him feel so
proud

    Her head looked so funny and
childish inside that poet’s hat that
was vermilion on the inside. As she wandered
about with bowed head looking
for flowers, overjoyed when she found
one with a particularly lovely colour, she
was quite seductive. And her neck he
had to look at repeatedly
her hair was swept up and it looked so naked

    It began to rain towards evening
heavy clouds drifted and drifted across the sky incessantly
large masses swiftly swiftly.

    The wind blew in from the sea. The church stood there
white and sad with its graves around it.

    He waited for her she had been visiting
some acquaintances. He was tired from running in the forest and was cold

MM T 2761, fol. 14r

    How long she took. – Then she came.
She was not as beautiful as earlier this afternoon he thought –
older. They went into the dark room – the clouds hovered
and made everything so gloomy. They lit a fire and sat down
by the fireplace. But they were silent could not find
anything to say

    The lamp was lit. Then Miss Nilsen  came in.
He became even more self-conscious
Through the garden door one could see far
out over the water everything was all in blues
the air and the landscape and the water against the yellow
lamplight inside. The yellow light fell garishly on
their heads
and cast golden light on
the tablecloth and plates. In the shadows
there was mostly blue clear blue

    There were long pauses where one
could hear the clatter of knife and fork against
the plate. The meal is served!
the words came so
suddenly and with such dreadful solemnity.

    I had the feeling that both
ladies were looking at me and found me
strange, I also ate awkwardly
I felt. I wonder if I am using
the knife excessively.

    The sweat began to trickle out of my skin
and the Food got stuck in my throat

    You are not eating are you not hungry
said Madame.

MM T 2761, fol. 14v

    Well I blushed and stammered
something about an exceptional appetite and
then I began to eat
with doubled zeal. Then I was forced to
say something

    The blue landscape out there is
beautiful I said it resembles Pues de
Cavanne .

    How terribly solemnly you uttered
this I thought to myself. How
boring they must think I am.

    The lady across from me glanced at her
girlfriend and I thought I could see
a little smile. And then then I smiled
what is worse it was returned

    So this is
a new young hopeful you have
gotten hold of

    A young hopeful artist I added while

MM T 2761, fol. 15r

making violent efforts to appear
amusing

    How lovely; twin
artist souls – the meeting of great minds,
how charming.

    I saw Madame trying not to laugh she
turned red from the effort. Then she burst
out laughing in the kind of hysterical laughter
that stops only to
begin again. She put her fork and knife
away and with both hands on her hips she laughed with
open mouth. The laughter twisted and tore at my insides:
I felt like the most miserable wretch –
The lamp plates and table danced before my eyes

    I made a final effort
to join the laughter to even
say something – it only ended in mumbling

    And then it was too much for her

    I cannot take any more!
cannot take any more she

MM T 2761, fol. 15v

and then she went over to a corner sat
on her haunches and laughed and laughed

    How I hated her

    Then the laughter stopped and
it became as quiet as after a storm

    I think you are mad said the Miss
quite simply raving mad

    I could not help it

    Then we got up from the table and
went into the next room again
where it was warm

    I was dazed and hot
I leaned my forehead against the window pane
to cool myself down. Then she
came over to me and fanned me
with a fan. How lovely she was like this
and how I hated her

    Then I said a hasty goodbye
and left

MM T 2761, fol. 16r

    I would never come back, never
again and then she would be
sorry. I hurried along with my head
bent forward and my hands in my pockets.
I went through everything that had happened
in my head. My ears became hot when I
remembered my humiliation at the table
the laughter still rang in my ears and I
clenched my teeth – in rage. – Never
Ever see her again –

    How laughable she thought
he was
he had imagined
that she liked him
loved him –
he was laughable
pitiful – stupid
– who did not

MM T 2761, fol. 16v

    For two Days I did not show myself on
the church green. Then I could not resist
any longer – I wanted to at least show
that I took no notice of her
I would show her how
haughty I could be

    And there lay a secret
wish there
imagine if you could bow
that proud neck out of love for you
humiliate her she who had
humiliated him so.

    I met her outside in the garden

    Hello would you like to come in.

    No thank-you

    Why not

    Thanks but I was planning
to take a walk

MM T 2761, fol. 17r

I have been indoors for so long
Would you like to join me

    She put on a hat and came
along.

    The whole time she was very coquettish
But I pretended to be totally cold
hardly looked at her

    Down by the water I asked her to stand
in a certain position to see how the light fell
I was in the process of painting a mermaid.
She took off her hat and loosened her hair
practically tore it loose. Then she tore open
her jacket and tossed it onto a rock

    I narrowed my eyes and looked at her
with a critical gaze – she could
not observe a trace of admiration.

    Then I thanked her curtly and accompanied her
up to her gate

    Did I not wish to come in
No thank you it is late. She seemed a little
disappointed I thought

    I walked quickly home very satisfied
with myself. I felt that I had gotten
a little retribution

MM T 2761, fol. 17v

    He heard her voice in
the hallway. So he did not pay attention
to what Hefferm  said, just answered yes and no
distractedly

    There she was. He pretended to be busy
talking then turned
to greet her as though in surprise
Hello Madame what brings you here
it was supposed to sound indifferent but he felt
his voice was unsteady. He became so weak
How lovely she was after all in that light tight-fitting

MM T 2761, fol. 18r

attire and the broad summer hat. And her voice
how affectionate and silky

    He forgot and forgave everything at once

    Will you not visit me anymore
Yes, thank-you, I have been so busy but
now I will come soon.

    At the dinner table
she took the seat next to him

    Hefferm  suggested they dance and the dance was
soon in full swing.

    He sat over in a corner watching those who
knew how to dance
imagine dancing with her
He felt a little depressed and rested his head
on his hands

    Then she came over to him.
I believe you are sleeping, let me see.
No far from it but I do not like to dance
he did not want to say that he did not know how

    I do not want to either this evening
They went into the adjacent room he was so hot so hot
and so strangely weak. They went over to the
open window and they both leaned over

MM T 2761, fol. 18v

the window post between them. It was so pleasant
and cool. One could glimpse the moon between the clouds
2 ) On an evening like this I feel like
doing something terribly crazy
I could do almost anything
It’s as though I must
1) I really like evenings like this
with the moonlight through the clouds, so that it is
not too light
I cannot tolerate the light –
It is so indiscreet. Do you not agree

    Oh yes the way it is now is so
beautiful. Everything so soft
no sharp shadows One can only sense
the things
He looked at her

    How soft her mouth is how naked
her bowed neck
Her eyes were in shadow but sparkled now and again in the semi-dark.

    They looked at each other in silence for a while
and then she laughed so strangely softly an
affectionate smile.

    Finally he saw only her dark blue eyes trees
the dark houses the water beyond and the downy grey
air and the faint moon behind all this
merely formed a frame around the eyes

MM T 2761, fol. 19v

    Heffermel  and his wife said that Madame should come along and then go home to her place

    She made sure to stay close to him the whole way.
And then she deliberately paused
so that they fell behind the others.

    She then made references to things
that he had never heard ladies speak
of before. She spoke of paintings she had
seen in Paris

    Do you remember the painting by Rolla , the Girl
who lies naked on the edge of the bed, do you not
think it is lovely.

    Yes but it is too smooth
Girls are so lightweight they have no distinct
shapes. How beautiful one of the legs is the one
that is slightly bent.

MM T 2761, fol. 20r

    The forest stood on one side dismal and dark in between
the tree trunks. On the other side of the water

    Its expanse a bluish violet
a smooth and calm body of water that seemed to mingle with the air in the distant horizon
The boulders protruded out of the
shallow water – far far out
it looked as though a whole family
of sea creatures large and small were
moving and stretching and making faces.
There one could see a bit of the moon yellow and large

    There was a cottage low and almost hidden by
fences and fruit trees. What is that
standing in front of the door
why it is an old woman who stands still watching the people passing.

    A cat rubs up against Madame’s legs

    She picks it up and strokes it

    Is it not sweet
the little black thing she said

    It ran off and was gone then it returned with
a grey cat behind it

    On the fence stood two small children’s boots teeny
tiny with large patches and holes under the soles and
soaking wet. The tiny little feet
that have walked around in them all day
are resting now

MM T 2761, fol. 20v

    Madame had loosened her hair it flowed about her neck yellowish with a greyish shine

    We trailed a bit behind the others.
He looked at her. Under her lush
eyelids her eyes were grey and mysterious they peered
through the semi-darkness with desire. Her mouth
soft and plump with blood

    Behind her the water and the air a violet blue

    One could only glimpse her features

    Stand like this a little let me have a
look at you. How painterly you are
now in this light.

    They looked at one another

    You have no idea how anxious I am at
night she said and walked on

    I have such terrible
nightmares and I walk in my sleep

MM T 2761, fol. 21r

    What would you say if I came to
you she then said

    They both smiled

    In his mind’s eye he saw her approaching in the
white chemise with naked legs and it
titillated him

    How well situated I am she
said after a while. I have no
children and can do whatever
I please. Anything I wish.

    He suddenly thought about
her Husband
he had totally forgotten
that she was married – Now it came
to him

    But what about your husband he said
Oh him    I am allowed to do as
I please as far as he is concerned I can have
my will in all matters

MM T 2761, fol. 21v

    Is he really so generous

    Yes terribly

    He wished that he had treated
her badly

    They walked at length without saying
anything side by side

    Then they arrived home.

    The fireplace was lit. They sat
around it.

    Madame was in the kitchen from time to time to see to
the Coffee

    When it was done she set the table and asked
Heffermel  to tell them about a

    She sat at the Piano.

MM T 2761, fol. 22r

    She accompanied him part of the way they walked slowly and
took pleasure in the mood they wished to stretch the time as long
as possible then she had to go.

    He looked into her eyes. Now she will go
home to that large desolate house. The maid has gone to bed she alone

    If only he dared

    Then she gave him her
hand a warm handshake and she was gone

MM T 2761, fol. 22v

    He went to bed but could not sleep
the image of her as she stood there in the
light summer night with the pale moon above
came to him. Her eyes only in shadow but
just the same how they gazed
at him, it was as though
she was waiting for something

    If only he

    – If only he had kissed her – was she
not expecting that.

    He had never kissed before.

    The next time he must do it
if only he dared.

MM T 2761, fol. 23r

    We sat across from one another.

    Our eyes met    A reddish glow suffused
everthing.

    Then she straightened herself on the sofa and leaned
her head against the sofa. And then I had to look at
a peculiar pattern in the slipcover and then I leaned
over towards her so our cheeks were
so close to each other and I felt how close we
were to one another.

MM T 2761, fol. 23v

    He wandered up and down Karl Johan 
It was 7 o’clock in the afternoon. It was
still light. The sun had just gone
down behind the palace  that stood
like a sharp silhouette drawing against the
luminescent air.

    One could feel the arrival of spring.

    A crowd of people was out in
the lovely weather. Most of them still wearing
winter apparel, once in a while one could see
a light spring overcoat and a few
motley coloured spring coats.

    There was a thick mass of people
all the way up to the palace. The further away
they were the lighter and more blue they became
and finally disappeared
in the blue-grey fog just below
the horizon

    He turned at the Clock, and walked down the street
looking straight ahead looking out –
There she comes – he felt

MM T 2761, fol. 24r

as though an electric shock passed through him
– How she resembled her at a distance

    There was the parliament building  in a yellow blue mist
with deep blue air above it. Far
above was a pale little moon pale
and shy. But the windows of the parliament
building and the houses along Karl Johan 
gleamed in yellow from the Horizon
they formed rows of shiny
squares

    The cobblestones on the sidewalk were dried
by the sun and the winter’s ice was gone
it was so unusual to hear all of the
footsteps on the sidewalk.

    There was still ice in the middle of the street
with melted water that was
blue from the air
and once in a while one saw a glimpse
of the pale-yellow moon in the puddles

    The air was so soft and moistly warm
truly captivating

MM T 2761, fol. 24v

    He felt strangely weak
the ladies were so lovely

    They looked quite fantastic
their countenances a pale glow in the yellow light

    She in the light fur must
be Madame Heiberg  – Mistaken again –
– how they all resembled her –

    And then she finally arrived. He
had sensed long before that
she would come.

    Pale in the reflection of the horizon
in a black dress snugly wrapped up to her throat
the lush cream-coloured throat.
He had never seen her so lovely

MM T 2761, fol. 25r

    And then she finally arrived he knew
she would come
terribly pale in the yellow reflection from the horizon
slightly round face, that glared against
the dark blue background

    I had never seen her like this before
so lovely
how lovely her head
slightly mournful

    She greeted me with a tender smile and
walked on. Should I have stopped her
entreated her

    Tell her that he had not appreciated her
that he did not deserve
anything. But that he now like a wretched
beggar asked for a little love.

    And could this face that he

MM T 2761, fol. 25v

saw this evening lie. This tender lovely
face that looked slightly weary of life
and sorrowful. Could this face
deceive

    But it was too late today, now he had to
return home

MM T 2761, fol. 26r

    He had not seen her so lovely
before. Such smooth skin, such soft features.
(And the black dress whose deep blue
sat so snugly and slimly
and encircled that lovely cream-coloured throat
How slender in that black Dress that wrapped
her snugly all the way up to her golden white
lush throat)

MM T 2761, fol. 26v

    She smiled tenderly and walked on
I was about to stop but
there was some of that old defiance that held me back and
then she was gone.

    A great void ensued and he felt
so alone. Why had he not stopped
her and told her that she was the only one
that he was an idiot that he did not
deserve any Love that
he had never appreciated her
that everything was his fault.

    She looked so sad perhaps
she is heartbroken
perhaps it is she who believes
that I am not fond of her and
she is right it is his own
fault! how pitiful you are
miserable idiot a cowardly wretch cowardly cowardly cowardly cowardly, wretch
He fell into a veritable

MM T 2761, fol. 27r

trance. Then everything became so
quiet. The noise from the street
sounded so distant as though it came from above

    He could not feel his legs
at all they could not bear his weight

    Everyone – People who passed by looked so
foreign and strange and he felt that they
stared intensely at him – stared at him all these
faces gazes in the evening light

    He tried to hold onto a thought
but could not he felt only
a void in his head then he tried
to fix his gaze on a window
high above but the passers-by impeded him again

    He trembled over his entire body
and the sweat poured off of him. He staggered
Now I will fall and then people will stop and there
will be more and more people horribly many people

MM T 2761, fol. 27v

then he gave a start because he was about to fall
in earnest then he looked at
the window way up there that gleamed a glossy yellow
against the dark air looked at it
steadily as though he wished to hang on to
it

    He finally made it home.

    How are you feeling
he saw the faces directed at him but he
did not answer so that they would not
hear how he trembled, he
lay down on the sofa that stood in a
dark corner
He hated them so because they
stared so intensely at him

    I could not sleep I lay
half dozing. The lamp with all of the heads
My father’s shiny crown with the grey hairs bowed over a prayer book
the surrounding light was so weak it seemed
so remote, had nothing to do
with me. Those
who sat there over a newspaper enveloped in
tobacco smoke. Auntie sewing
and the others playing

MM T 2761, fol. 28r

and to add to it
an unfamiliar ringing
grated in my ears

    He did not fall asleep until
the afternoon

    Hot and restless
he tossed in his bed
the lovely pale face with
the tender plump Mouth, the half closed eyes with
a gleam in them, and then the throat that lush
throat he wanted, he must own this again
look into these eyes that so often
were hard often criminal but now alluring
and desiring and now weary of life. He wanted again to crush
her and how he would press her to him
What if it was his fault
alone and she was heartbroken
because of my behaviour. What if it was like
this. The next day he would
meet her and tell her everything
that he was now willing to die for her
And then she would become fond of him again
Morning would never come

MM T 2761, fol. 28v

    How he longed for morning
that would bring everything back to him

    He was tired.

    Tired and weak he got up the next
morning. How would he be able
to pass the time until 2
when he hoped to meet her

    He stood for a long time in front of the mirror
how thin he had become
and how pale. How terribly his clothes fit
The shoulders stuck out
He stood up straight and rubbed his cheeks
there now he looked better.

    He went down to the Grand  and sat
down in the Corner window. J  came in
with a skewed mouth and his cane under
his arm and sat down next to him
Waiter, a Highball
How terrible you look – just like
a skeleton

MM T 2761, fol. 29v

    Eyes lifeless quite
lifeless. Drink boy.

    Do you really think I look so
terrible – much worse than
usual?

    Yes you look just like
a corpse. You do not drink enough
just drink.

    Oh that is not it

    You do not take advantage of the women do you
He did not answer
[you should] Drink and take advantage of the women.
What shall I have now. Waiter
let me have another Highball. Why not have
one too.

    Yes let me have one then.

    They sat there for a long time without saying anything
Gazing out of the window

    Is this tie unbecoming
Well, it is not so great

MM T 2761, fol. 30r

    You should have another colour for
that pale skin colouring

    What the devil shall I do to get
the time to pass.

    It was 2 o’clock
The band was approaching and the Street filled with
People.

    Then they went outside

    She was walking on the sidewalk across the street
he walked straight across towards her. She stopped
at once
He did not manage to say anything at first
But she beat him to it

    Come up to the school you can meet me there
I am being painted by Kristofer 
He said goodbye

MM T 2761, fol. 32r

He sat on the sofa exhausted leaning on his Arm

    Why should I work; What sense
is there in investing so much in
becoming a great painter, ridiculous.

    It is clear as day how laughable it is
The end of it all is that
you lie with your nose in the air and you
shall die what the devil do you have
left then, reputation that is too ridiculous
you will be gone, nothing.

    What a pathetic dream world you have been living in
all these years. That you haven’t thought
of this before. Great painter
what does it mean to be a great painter. A great
painter that is somewhat better than being
a doctor for example but
compared to a king it is nothing
and a king is a just a little microbe on Earth –
My aunt sits there knitting and working
How in the world can she just sit
there and even be satisfied –

MM T 2761, fol. 32v

    It is so strange to be entirely
gone that it must that the hour must
come when you can say to yourself
now you have 10 now 5 minutes left
and then it will happen and you shall
feel how little by little you become
nothing –

    Then you will never again see the green landscapes
It is so strange that so much that is
lovely exists and that one has to leave it.

    Around midsummer when it is light all
night

    The air is downy and warm. The church over there and the farm
over there on the other side, the farms around
the water lie so white so
white – the fields
in soft green colours.

    The air above deep blue and then the pale
moon. How sweet how peaceful; how soft all
the lines and colours. How the light
colours shine and are illuminated against the deep blue air.

    And yet thousands lie at this very moment

MM T 2761, fol. 33v

writhing in the throes of death

MM T 2761, fol. 34r

Shall I take the streetcar or walk
My legs are a bit shaky and my
heart is palpitating it is best I sit
down. – I run to get on and come
stumbling in Miss Drefsen  is sitting there!
light grey and red and fresh, there is
that pale Miss Boken  and then the loveliest
woman in the world Miss Dyborgh , she whom I
so many times had wanted
to get to know

    They exchange glances smile
a little and Miss Duborg made a sign
with her eyes

    Whatever is that supposed to mean

    I try to restrain myself –
how lucky is the one who has health – I thought
To be healthy and able to live

MM T 2761, fol. 34v

    I saw a glimpse of a pale face with a black
beard through the window. A face that I
knew well, it was Captain Pryds  he
had gotten onto the streetcar – and entered

    I felt that I became even paler
It is strange how long it continues
He did not notice me sat down
next to me and began to converse with
the ladies.

    I became dizzy. I sensed that the ladies
were watching me.

    I glanced over they had
smiles on their lips.

    They were enjoying the situation
I thought. They can see my shyness. How
loathsome if I now had one of my old
Attacks. Right here next to him

    I felt as though I could not hold my
head upright.

    What if you talked to him you

MM T 2761, fol. 35r

cannot just sit still and look so
stiff. But I did not dare I felt that
my voice would tremble too much

    Captain Pryds  talked with the ladies
joked and was witty it irritated me.

    So Ottesen had arranged
tobogganing trips. Why did he not
invite me along it was very
nasty of him. He should be punished
a whipping in the bank square. He
laughed at his own humour and the ladies
giggled

    You try now to behave as though
you are happy you wish to conceal
your shame but it is no use the ladies
are laughing at you not at your humour.

    I looked at him and looked at the ladies and
grinned. The ladies were bubbling over with
merriment.

    I began to find the situation piquant

MM T 2761, fol. 35v

I looked at him.

    There is not much left of you now
How many times have I not
admired the man-about-town Pryds .

    Back when I was an 11-year-old boy and
you came riding into camp as a lieutenant. The corporal
totally forgot himself, rushed from his work in order to hold
the horse that bucked with its handsome
load. And as you rode away all the soldiers
followed you with their gaze and swore that
they had never seen a more dashing man

    How many times have you
sat alone at home now in the evenings waiting
for your wife, listening to every footstep
She had said that she was
going to a girlfriend’s house the girlfriend she so
regularly visited.

    But she had been with me who
sits here now. Embraced me passionately
And when she came home late
you looked at her to discover something
telling. Looked and looked into the hot face
with the red lips. You looked at her apparel
and the unkempt hair, suspicion has fermented in you
and You have reproached her and

MM T 2761, fol. 36r

then she had wished to leave but she later asked for
forgiveness. But jealously has tortured you and gnawed
at the roots of your heart and it has shuddered

    And I thought how ridiculous
this was, how unjust

    He turned to me. We greeted one another
I wonder if you know about it, do you suspect me
He became a bit pale.
He put on his gloves to go
and was already at the door
He sat down again. I got
off.

    I gave a quick glance in through the window
he sat there and joked with Miss
Drefsen  – I saw the
grizzled back of his head against the window pane
the head with the many horns

    I wonder if I will receive a letter from her down there
she who is so warm and so
devoted

MM T 2761, fol. 36v

    Their hands met. He shuddered
slightly how lumpy and rough it was it actually
scratched him.

    Then she sang. It was supposed
to be touching. There were drawling tones
sometimes screeching and sometimes with long
trills. She leaned towards him
placed her cheek next to his. He twisted his
head away so that their mouths did not meet
He moved to another seat how repulsive he thought
she was

    It was late afternoon. The furniture
stood like dark masses in the room
Some of the legs of the bureau were lit by the grey Sky
Nansen  sat hunched over
in the middle of the sofa. How tired he was
and how lonely.

    He had wandered up and down through
the streets until he had nearly collapsed
finally he had come up here. Sick and lonely
He felt the urge to rest his tired
head on a soft smooth woman’s breast, inhale
the perfume listen to her heart beat. To feel her
soft round breasts against his cheek

    And when he looked up – met her gaze above
him then he would close his eyes and feel her
warm deep gaze and her tender sensual smile

    And then she would stroke him
softly through his hair downward downward

    Someone knocked on the door. Come in. It was Emilie .

    Tall and dark and with a black veil
that hung way down over her long coat she looked elegant
in the semi-darkness.

    Good evening. Come here he said excitedly. She walked
slowly towards him. He stretched his thin arms out to her
and pulled her down next to him. How nice that you
came. Take it off and he unbuttoned her Coat
and pulled the veil away. But he did not wait until she finished
taking off her coat, threw his arm around her and leaned his
Head against her – he lay like this for a Long time

MM T 2761, fol. 37r

    It was Sunday morning. The sun shone on the houses across
the street shimmered in the windows which threw the sunrays back
There was a cold autumn sun
in the dark Studio. Up there in the window – sat the Maid
with the child dressed up and clean.

    Madame and the Young Lady entered. How
beautiful the Young Lady was today so gay in her
finery and Madame pleasant and radiant in her broad
face

    Good morning, and how have you slept – gud hvat
har de iche  [garbled German for: Lord have you not]. Poor Nansen   –
Thank you quite well I did not wish to disturb the mood
Now we must have some punch Meinchen nich hvat  [Darling must we not]
and now let us drink I have hidden the Punch so that Palle 
does not get a hold of it

    Now let us sit down and drink a toast mit den  [with] Nansen 
Cheers Nansen 

    They filled the glasses and drank and toasted each other

MM T 2761, fol. 37v

    Madame became more and more animated –

    This is terrible said Palle  now they are getting drunk
in broad daylight.

    Ach what skulde icke vi drikke wenn  [Ah why should we not drink when]
you drink yourself into a stupor every evening
Cheers Meinchen you are good to me and cheers
Bolette .

    I’ll be damned, now your mother is drunk said Palle
Ach what sagst du  [Ah what are you saying]

    Do you not come home drunk every
night and make a spectacle and then we
cannot have a little fun.

    You Meinchen have been good to me but
Palle has always been mean. She drank
and became more and more agitated
everything that she had to tolerate from
her son welled up in her.

    You have always caused me aggravation. Brought
Girls in das haus und  [into the house] gotten drunk
every night. All my acquaintances hat du mich
aus das haus getreibt  [you have thrown out of the house].
Schämst du dich doch nicht  [Are you not ashamed].

    Ach  [Ah] what drunken nonsense mother
Why, did you not once curse me
Ach  yes I did do that once and dat  [that] you must
not speak of

MM T 2761, fol. 38r

    The large room was filled with a gloomy mist
the lamp stood on the table glowing with a reddish light
it was difficult to distinguish the objects
I stared now at Palle  now at Madame, I
had problems recognising their features

    They were whispering all of them even Palle. Just then
Palle walked right over to me and placed his head close to mine
He must want to see if there was any life left in me I thought
The Doctor walked solemnly and calmly over to me and
sat down next to me.

    Ach he is so poorly Doctor, he has
not eaten anything the entire day.

    The Doctor did not reply. He took my hand
and felt my pulse and kept looking at
me with his eyebrows knitted

    I actually became angry at these eyebrows
Palle sat down on the other side and peered
down at me. How I hated them
because they sat there so gravely
They must believe I do not have
much time left.

    I wanted to say something to
prove that I could speak

MM T 2761, fol. 38v

    I am not too well now, Doctor
it is the worst day

    Yes I can see that.
Palle  stares
He looks terrible Doctor
The Doctor nods
The Eyebrows continued to bother me
He is so damned painterly all those planes
in his face says Palle as he takes me
by the nose and twists my head

    I was too tired to ask him to stop
His features are totally contorted
Yes He looks terribly ill,
the Doctor replies solemnly and calmly

    Now they think I am dying I thought
And then I tried to look as hale as I could

    I have been in worse shape before I said
tersely and in fits and starts

    Well yes that’s possible –

    The Doctor prescribes something stands up
and puts on his coat.

    Have you written home.
Ach  no he will dat ickhe  [not]

MM T 2761, fol. 39r

    You must write immediately.

    There it is I thought. They will
not tell me but believe I do not have
much time left. It is death at last

    You must not write unless it is
absolutely serious I said.

    Then it is best you write

    Is it serious
Not really for the moment But one does not
know what may happen in the course of the first couple of days.
He does not want to tell me the whole truth, I thought
and I shall die tonight

    He leaves and Palle  follows him, and I can hear him
questioning in haste. What is the doctor saying

    I strained myself to hear but did not catch anything
and when Palle came back in I made an
effort to read in Palle’s face
what he had said.

    But I could not see his features clearly
There was such a strange mist over my
eyes and I was lying on my side
and looking into the lamp that burned so
dimly and sadly under the paper shade

MM T 2761, fol. 40r

    Is there a letter – thank you – yes it is from
her

    It was dark at the Grand  In the sofa in the innermost
corner in the semi-dark sat J.  his eyes twinkled He looked
at me

MM T 2761, fol. 41r

    The air was dense and filled with cigar smoke
and smelled of Punch and beer
Daylight fell glaringly onto
the sticky table with rings left from beer glasses
and bottles onto the dirty floor full of
filth from so many male heels
cast its cold bluish light
on the dirty curtains over the bed
on the sheets and the Whore’s fat arms
her fat bared breast

    He wondered if she was
unhappier than he

    He asked whether her father was alive
Oh yes she said in a coarse bass – he lives
in Sandviken  – thinks I am in town
working as a maid.

    The Devil can kiss my butt
before I work as a maid and she threw

MM T 2761, fol. 41v

one of her legs outside of the coverlet
I was repelled
Do you know that Olaf Kran  and
lieutenant Verner – That’s what
I call nice chaps – they were here yesterday
and put down a lot of beer and champagne
– and then that Olaf sang – student ballads
– I know him real well – he
comes by all the time.

    Hey Oleane he says to me – you
are the greatest gal

    And then she laughed until
her eyes completely disappeared into her fat

    May the Devil swallow me whole –
that’s one nice boy –

    She looked at me –
You are not interested in making love
it will be done in half
an hour ha haha – do you not want

MM T 2761, fol. 42r

to make a little love and she kicked
with her naked leg

    why not have some beer

    I asked for beer –
sipped a little from the glass
paid and took my hat

    Goodbye then I said and shook
her hand.

    Why not come back tonight she said
we’ll see I said

    She was repelling.
And the image of Madame Heiberg  seemed
to him more seductive more alluring
than ever – He clenched
his teeth – he was filled with
a strange feeling of hate
– he did not quite know towards
whom – but he felt as though
she had done him a
great injustice –

MM T 2761, fol. 44v

    The fact is one sees with different eyes
at different times. One sees differently
in the Morning than in the evening.

    The way one sees is also dependent
upon one’s state of mind and how one otherwise
feels.

    This is why a
a motif can be seen in so many ways

MM T 2761, fol. 45r

and this is what makes art so interesting

    If in the morning one comes out of a dark bedroom
into a sitting room for example one will see
everything in a bluish light. Even the deepest
shadows have a light hue
about them.

    After a while one will
become accustomed to the light and the shadows will
deepen and then everything will be seen more sharply.

    Now if one is going to paint an
atmosphere that has just made an impression on one
such as this light blue morning atmosphere
then one cannot just
sit there and stare at each object and
paint it “exactly as one sees it”
one must paint it
“as it should be” – as it
appeared when the motif made an impression on one.

    And so if one is

MM T 2761, fol. 45v

not able to paint from memory
but is forced to make use of a model
then one is bound to get it wrong

    The painters of detail called this
untruthful painting, truthful painting is to
paint with photographic accuracy
this or that chair and this or that
table as it appears in the moment
one sees it.

    They say that to attempt to reproduce an
atmosphere is to paint untruthfully

    When one is out drinking one sees
differently, the lines often dissolve
everything seems more chaotic
It is well-known that one’s
vision can actually be distorted

    But then one must
obviously also paint

MM T 2761, fol. 46r

the lines distorted.

    If one sees double one must paint
two noses.

    And if a glass looks crooked
then one must make the glass crooked

    Or if one wishes
to convey something one has experienced
in an erotic moment of
passion and longing A motif
can be found in such a
moment
One cannot render
it in the same way one sees it
at another time when one is cold.
It is acceptable that
the first image one has
seen must appear very
different from the latter

MM T 2761, fol. 46v

    One perceives everything very
differently when one is warm than when
one is cold.

    And this is precisely
what gives art
a deeper meaning. It is the human aspect, life
that one must convey. Not
dead nature.

    A chair can be as great
of interest as a human being
But the chair must be seen by a human
It must in some way or other
have moved him and one must
cause the viewers to be moved in the same
fashion

    It is not the chair that must be painted
but how a person has experienced
it

    A parody of that handicraft
view of art has also been expressed by
the leading exponent of detail painting, by Wentzel

    A chair is a chair and therefore cannot be

MM T 2761, fol. 98-Vi

painted in more than one way.

    And that is why the followers of this movement
feel such disdain for evocative painters

    They cannot understand that a chair can be seen
in a thousand different ways.

    A chair is like this with this and that colour
ergo it must be painted like this.

    One might admire their skill
one might even say that it is impossible
to paint any better consequently they might
just as well stop painting they
cannot achieve any better

    But one is left cold
Ones blood does not rush
any faster One is never gripped at
one’s core. – One has not been given something
that one can stow away, that returns
again and again later on.

    One forgets the picture the
moment one walks away from it