MM T 2760. Sketchbook. The Violet Journal

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MM T 2760, fol. 0-R

MM T 2760, fol. 0-Ri

MM T 2760, fol. 1r

To be burned

    E. Munch

    To be read
by understanding and open-minded
men after my death

Edvard Munch

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    The Boulevard des Anglais is teeming
with strollers – There are sickly pale
young misses – Parisian ladies with their tiny
lapdogs – Parisian dandies with trousers as
wide as sacks and consumptive patients in fur-lined coats
from all corners of the earth – The red parasols
and the gaily-coloured spring outfits are luminous
The blue sea stretches into the distance – a wonderful
blue like – diaphanous as Naphthalene –
and long swells roll indolently towards
the shore booming as they break down there – On the
other side a never-ending row of dazzling
white villas with small gardens in front of them

MM T 2760, fol. 2v

    The Boulevard des Anglais is radiant
in the sun – There are throngs of
people – The red parasols and the gaily coloured
spring apparel are luminous – Here pale young
misses stroll – Parisian ladies with their tiny
lapdogs – Parisian dandies with trousers as
wide as sacks and consumptive patients wrapped
in shawls despite the heat – And the blue sea
stretches out into the distance barely a shade
deeper than the air – a blue so wonderfully blue
and – the air as though painted with Naphthalene – In towards the shore
long swells rise and break with
a great booming – And on the other side there are hotels
and villas in a never-ending row –
dazzling white with their gardens in between palm trees
and enormous leafy plants

in towards the shore long
indolent swells roll and break with a great
booming

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    Nizza  City of Happiness Health and Beauty
The newspapers are full of stories about the
Siberian frost all over Europe
There are reports of snowstorms in Algeria and
Italy – and from Toulon and Marseille and
of children who freeze to death in the streets –

    Meanwhile we sit here in Nizza
and bathe in the sun by open windows – January has
been a succession of sunny days as warm as in June
and la belle Nice – Queen of the Mediterranean
has never been more coquettish
more radiantly lovely

    The Boulevard des Anglais is in its
glory – On one side hotels
and villas in a never-ending row – dazzling
white in gardens [composed] of palm trees and
enormous leafy plants – On the other side the
blue sea stretches out into the distance – a wonderful
diaphanous blue as though painted with naphthalene –

    And then a swarm of strollers
Pale young misses – Parisian ladies with their tiny
lapdogs – Parisian dandies with
trousers as wide as sacks – and consumptive patients
despite the heat wrapped in shawls and fur-lined coats.

    The market place is like a garden
brimming with flowers – They are purchased
by the basketful – for the carnival prince – the pride of Nizza
is coming – and his arrival will be celebrated
with a great deluge of flowers

    Allegedly the festival

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    Like a lifeless machine wrapped in cloth
The coachman high up on his seat –

    To Gare du Nord
And without a sound he raised
an arm and a whip –

    I crawled into the carriage – the crack of a whip
and a giddy up – and with a clatter
we were off –

    The streets were dark and gloomy
– Now and then a gas lamp shed light into
the carriage –

    Then suddenly a blinding sea
of light – down there – a bluish fairy-like
light – a constant flow
of locomotives to and fro – like huge trolls
– in the fairytale light

    It was the Gare Saint Lazare

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and again it was dark – only the clattering
of the carriage – a swing around a corner and
– Suddenly it became blindingly
light inside the carriage – an
electric lamp shone in – and a weak
bluish haze – delineated the columns
of the Madeleine  – yonder – the boule-
vard lay before me – radiant
Past black top hats elegant ladies – across Place l’Opera

    The Opera was barely visible
– due to the strong electric light in the foreground
– it stood like a great mass against
the air – the elegant contours of ladies emerged in
the glaring light and

    the carriage glided down Avenue l’Opera
past the Theatre Francais  –
The only thing one could hear was the clacking of hooves on the asphalt

    Then a sudden stop – on the other side of
the windowpane was a confusion of carriages –

    An omnibus soared high
in the air and a fireworks
of abusive language and whiplashes from up
there – Sacre …  –

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    Again we were on our way – Only the clacking
of the hooves

    We were near the Gare
du Nord –

    A ticket to Nizza 

    Here

    We have arrived

    Tomorrow at 10 a.m. in Marseille
at 7 in Nizza –

    So, supper in Paris – and the following day
breakfast by the Mediterranean –

    Freezing with shawls up to
our ears we sat in the first compartment – Aside from me
two Frenchmen and an English couple –
and a sickly Foreigner German who came from the
Hospital in Havre

    The trains rushed by continuously – there
was merely a glimpse of a row of
illuminated windows merely a glimpse

    The train rushed along effortlessly – dancing along
the tracks – we hastened southbound – to
the heat and the sun –
that would bring new life to the diseased blood

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There is a flash
like lightning when we pass
a station –

    We stop – the door opens

    We are in Marseilles – we
make a swing a turn in an easterly direction –
 …  – The sun shines in – the ice
on the windows melts – we peer out
– the Mediterranean – a little bay –
a white villa on the point – long green
waves surge onto the beach –

    Open the windows! – we inhale deeply
– a warm sea breeze slaps us in the face –

    lovely – lovely –

    The patient leans back – the sun he
allows the sun to tickle his face –
his blood flows more swiftly in his veins
– new life – yet another year – a life
in the sun – under palm trees – how delightful
life is after all – so delightful that he
could cry –

    The Englishman sits inertly – does not
even look out –

    The Frenchmen leap with joy –

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    How could one live anywhere else
the patient thinks – he thinks of the fog – the rain
the wind up in Havre –

    He felt the urge to express himself –
I will tell you he said to the Frenchman
I have been very ill – 2 months – that is
a long time – and then it is so delightful to come
down here – to the sun

    Oui oui he said looking at him
The train danced effortlessly along –
Like buoyant white loose-fitting garb –
– the smoke settled between – the trees
– the green trees –
Cannes

    The merry Frenchmen descend –
cast a glance at the madame – greet her –

    Children exclaims the Englishman – gallantly
– The madame smiles –
Nizza  lies before us – the villas are more numerous
– the gardens more lush –
the tree with the yellow fruit
why it is oranges –

    I awaken – get up – pull
the curtains aside – push the shutters away from
the windows and go out onto the balcony

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    The first thing I see is something white
– something luminous –

    The enormous hotels – with balconies –
then I see palms – like tremendous fans
in front of the gardens down there

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    Like a melody in a musical composition
is Love
Later on in the composition it
becomes more rare – returns at greater
and greater intervals

Nizza   8/2 91

    It is with love as it is with a melody
at the end of a musical composition – it
appears less and less often –
– yet it returns – one single time
the melody joins in with something of its
initial intensity – but it recedes then it has passed

    Like an evening
on the shore after the wind has blown
the whole day long –

    You see a single long – wave
heavily wearily approaching
you – you do not know if it will reach
you – yet at last it breaks at your
feet – and then another one comes – then one more –

    And you are gripped by a peculiar – gentle melancholy – you
are so alone
then great loneliness

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    The wind is nasty and pitching –
A bit nervously he loosens the mainsheet
from the mast – the mainsail billows and
strikes him in the face – He loosens
the headsail – and fastens the sheets –

    He has released
the aft mooring and the boat is tugging at the fore mooring
The mainsail whips with great cracking sounds –

    He hesitates for a second with his hand
on the fore mooring – then clenches his teeth
at this cowardice – he will never be
rid of it –

    The sail fills with a strong gust of wind and
in a wake of spray the boat takes off from land –

    He can feel his heart beating as
he sits there with his hand on the tiller
and the sheet ready to let
go –

    He must overcome this cowardice – he
knows that this is dangerous – he is not
aware of the original cause of it – he does not wish to be
afraid

    It would be a brief
death struggle if the boat capsized    For he

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could not swim –

    But to be dead that
he would have liked – to experience nothingness
– the end of these ruminations

    But then there was the death struggle – to
kill oneself – He knew it he
did not have the courage –

    But if a wave suddenly overtook
the boat – he would surely flail –
perhaps shriek – perhaps pray to
God but – no one would hear it
here and it would be over with so swiftly –

    He awakens from his reverie – takes hold of
the tiller – so the boat heads into the
wind – it was a little wave –

    And there comes another one –
The Water was black as coal over there –
and it approached closer and closer –

    The boat suddenly picks up speed –
it inclines to one side –

    He realigns the boat it does not
help –

    Brandt  stares at the leeward side of the boat –
the railing is under water – water is gushing in –
then he lets go of the sheets –  … 

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The boat regains an upright position – while
Brandt  nervously pulls in the sail – it billows
in the wind with great cracking sounds –

    The boat takes off again
at great speed – foaming in front at the bow
– then alternately quite slowly –

    There it lay again with the railing submerged
half of it under water – more and more submerged

    All at once a Yacht skims
by – Brandt waves
to the boatswain who is watching
him –

    A hell of a gust says Brandt
smiling as he releases the sheet

    – Nasty wind said the man – then
they were far past each other

    He felt secure as he
ran downwind on the way back –

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    How lovely it is to live high up,
– You feel a special kind of solitude
– All the roofs that peer at each other far
far into the distance

    It is morning – I pull the curtain aside open
the window – and the sun pours in –

    I feel free and buoyant – whistling
I descend the broad light marble staircase
– Down in the entrance hall is the concierge
Bonjour monsieur – bonjour madame –
he goes into the garden
it is smiling with the sun
on the walks and on the green
lawn and on the broad leafy plants.

    Like enormous fans the palm trees rise
up into the air –

    I am taking a stroll on Promenade des Anglais
– How tranquil – how bright –
how sparkling the air here – how clean the blue
sea. – Is it Sunday – I do not
know – I have not counted the days – they pass as
in a dream. – but it feels like Sunday

    Only a few people are about at
this morning hour – some reading

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newspapers –

    An old gentleman stands
with rigid neck and erect back and
white parasol – he stands still and
peers out over the water.

    Another sits on a bench dozing
– book lying open on his lap

    and there in the shade you can see the pallid
countenance of a girl in a wheelchair – bundled
in a shawl

    The waves:

    Long sleek shimmering in the sun they roll
leisurely in –

    Half in a daze I stand following them
with my eyes – as they heave – until they break
– one after the other –

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    The dazzling sun – the luminous colours
– and the rhythmic booming lulls you into
a daze

    The sea became a great vast creature
that breathed –  I can feel it breathing
its enormous breast rising and falling
And the booming became heavy
sighs

    Then I come to with a start

    Le petit journal – L’eclaireur – le petit
parisien – shouts the newspaper vendor hoarsely –
the dream has past –

    I walk on –

    The air is filled with violets.
There inside the garden – in between the palm trees
below the tall blindingly white hotel
I hear singing and guitar music –

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From the Restaurant Theatre Francais , Nizza 

    His body is so gaunt and little –
People laugh and gesture to one another – they know
what to expect.

    The old man has fallen in love –
in love with the large madame who
has begun to eat here.

    There she comes – she greets him
graciously – How he bows how he
squirms. –

    She invites him to sit next to her.

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    They are having an animated conversation
He leans his head close to her
for he cannot hear well –

    How gallant he is – he offers her
wine – he holds the platters for her –
Ah Madame! –

    The old man is ecstatic.

    One day there were three at the table
the Madame the Old man and a man of enormous
girth – with a bright red moustache – crimson red
across the face – and a crimson red sash
on his breast

    The old man was even narrower
and more spare across the chest today –
But his head was large and the hairs tousled
and on end –

    The old man sat the next day as well
and waited as usual for the madame –
Peered at the door every time someone entered –

    The door opens – he stares
It was the man with the red face
and the red sash. –

    Welcome said the old man – if you wish to sit here

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    But the immense one thanked him
and went to a another table.

    The old man slumped down with head buried
in his newspaper – his eyesight was bad.

    Madame appears at the door – well turned out
and self-important

    The old man bows over the table and
offers her his hand – then he grabs
a newspaper and begins reading it –
For the Madame had not noticed him
but the man with the sash –
And the Old man sat with his head
buried deep in the newspaper reading – in
it with the letters upside down.

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    The wealthy Swiss. 4 million francs
in the bank.

    The waiter inquires with a smile: Coffee?

    When the coffee was poured in the Glass – the
old man with trembling hand takes up
a little hip flask that he had
hanging around his neck on a ribbon and pours half the coffee
into it – smart to save some for later

    Four waiters stand around smiling

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    It would be fun to preach
a little for all these people who
for so many years now have viewed
our pictures and either laughed or
shaken their heads critically. – They have no
understanding that there can be the slightest
sense in these impressions –
these instantaneous impressions – That a tree can
be red or blue –
that a face can be blue or
green – this they know is wrong – From the time they
were small they have known that leaves and grass
are green and that the colour of skin is a delicate
reddish hue. –  They cannot imagine it
is seriously meant – it must be humbug
done out of carelessness – or in a state of mental confusion
preferably the last –

    They cannot get it into their heads that
these pictures are made in all seriousness – in pain –
that they are a product of sleepless nights –
– that one has paid with one’s blood – with one’s nerves

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And they continue these painters they
become steadily worse –

    They go more and more energetically in
the same insane direction

    Yes – for – it is the path to
the painting of the future – to the
promised land in art.

    For in these pictures the painter invests
what is most precious – he invests his soul
– his sorrow his joy – he invests
his heart’s blood. –

    He invests in the human being – not the object
These pictures if only they
could grip more strongly – first
the few – then more then all of them.

    As when many violins are in a
room and one
strikes the note to which the others are tuned
then they all resonate.

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    I will attempt
to give an example of
this incomprehensible matter of colour –

    A billiard table – Go into a
billiard hall – When you have
gazed for a while at the intense green lining

    look up then – How strange –
everything has a red hue about it – The
gentlemen whom you know are dressed in black they
now have crimson red suits – and
the hall has reddish walls and ceiling –

    After a while the suits are once again black –
If you wish to paint such an atmosphere –
with a billiard table – You would do best to paint
them in crimson red –

    If one wishes to paint an instantaneous impression
the atmosphere the human aspect – one must
do it –

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From the hospital in Havre

    One of your countrymen has arrived
– said Jean  –

    He is heavy on the wine –
he has emptied the bottle that he was meant to have
the entire day and the bread for dinner he has
eaten – The empty bottle he has thrown
on the floor –

    Now he lies there shouting. Bread,
Wine –

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    Do I know Halvor Mühren  Halvor
the devil – (smiles) you might say so. – That’s a boy who
has made his way up in the world – both at sea
and on land.

    He came from Myra – small cottage straight
across the channel – poor as a church mouse he was –
He drew himself up by the bootstraps

    A thieving scoundrel you see – he pilfered and
robbed – across the entire North Sea

    But he was quite the man for commanding
a vessel– a more severe captain would be hard
to find – he cracked the whip both at home
and abroad

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    A hell of a bloke when it came to cursing  … 

    And damn it if he didn’t use
the cane on his children – struck them across the neck
But they learned a lesson – didn’t
spare a shilling [either]

    Thrashings and money, they got ahead.

    How he got hold of the first shillings
I don’t know.

    Ingeborg was his first
Brig – it gave him something firm to plant his feet on
and it kept the entire family going – that’s why
it’s like a part of the family now

    Then he started raiding in the North Sea – oh yeah –
Devil of a pirate – took the fish and the nets
from the fishermen – a Bastard he was –  …  oh yeah
that Halvor  devil –

    Steva – from over the hill – Lars’
wife – she drank like
an oversized sow – she was the only one who could
overpower him

    He was afraid of her

    made him shamefaced

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    She was so outrageously crude that
in the light of day she would lift up
her skirt and expose her bare buns
and muff and you couldn’t find a worse way
to harass him –

    He was smart the Consul –
He was the devil himself but smart. – good
at supervising and peering into the corners to make sure
everything was ship shape – dumb – he was not –
no doubt about that –

    And he helped his children get ahead –

    He never spared a shilling
As when his son the eldest son –
the lieutenant – now the commander – was in Kristiania 

    He was very well acquainted with the prince
– king Oscar  now –

    Into town he travelled with 500 speciedaler – and that
was so that his son could give a party for
the prince – that’s how he was.

    And the son is exactly like the father –
Have you heard him command
during manoeuvres – You can be sure
there is cursing then.

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    Le grand Monsieur is in – he will speak with
You – Very well I said and enter –

    And how are things with You he said
– oh fine thank-you
And You    oh yes –

    You look a bit weak –

    Yes it is this nasty cough that will not
subside – I should perhaps take some
Géraudel pastilles  –

    – You were in Monte Carlo – yesterday
– Was it amusing?    To be sure

    Yes –
We walked a long distance without saying anything –

    Did You gamble –?

    To be sure –

    – Did You lose

    No – nothing to speak of

    Again there was silence –

    Why do You laugh – Is it because I
have lost – How spiteful You are

    – My God so what if You have lost
a little – You can afford it –

    What do You know about that – uttered in
proper Bergen  parlance

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These are matters that have nothing
to do with You –

    Now that is what one might call the height of
amiability

    You too – The same could be said
of You –

    Now then – You have evidently lost substantially yesterday –
You are in such a good humour –

    No I have not
I will tell You, he said
after a while, why I am irritated
I had won 1000 kroner yesterday then
I put the whole sum down at once and lost
Later I lost a little trifle –

    I am going to eat where are You going –
To the bank – to withdraw money

    I see – Later –
To Monte Carlo – with the Dane  –
I will come along – I said – We can meet
at the Railway station – 3:30    Adieu – Adieu

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    We sat in the compartment Horneman  the Dane  and I

    We flew past landscapes –
beautiful – strange as in fairy tales

    A fairy kingdom – from a thousand and one nights
Dazzling white villas – in rows and on top
of one another – in between palm trees – covering
mountains almost to the top –

    These mountains seemed so very naïve
to us – with their
straight lines – here in triangles there in
triangles – a bluish haze against the air

    The smoke from the locomotive – settles
white and shimmering
in between – fruit trees, and palm trees – between
orange trees – with branches almost touching
the ground weigh down by their yellow fruit.

    Oh Look at that villa there I said to
the Dane – As Though we owned it – lived
there – lived here under this constant sun –

    It rose up so effortlessly that villa
– shimmering white – above the palm trees –
and then stretching out over the Mediterranean.

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The Riviera – Nizza  – Beaulieu –
– Villefranche – Monte Carlo –
Mentone      –      You know

    It is as though the sun beauty – joy
are found in these words. –

    The Dane  and I walked along the terrace
towards the sea – Horneman  was already avidly preoccupied
with the game – Walked along the dark paths
in the garden – across the field I knew was fertilized
with the blood of thousands High up against the air the enormous gambling bank towered

    – This is where they commit suicide – all those
we have read about – Precisely here – I had just
read in the newspapers about two suicides an English lady and a French officer

    Yes –

    I had to look at the earth – behind the bush as though
I would still be able to see blood –

    Stretching into the distance the sea was blue and immense
– Far below us Monaco –
and over yonder behind us – the prince’s palace
– soaring high upon a cliff – with an imposing
circular fortification –

    We entered the gambling casino –
I was obliged to show my card –

    What nationality

    Norwegian

    Interest, proprietor –

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    painter –

    Sir, If you please –

    Enormous halls – a dismal
elegance – High ceilings and enormous mirrors

    How stifling – my feet slipped
on the polished tile floor –

    Over there by the gambling table a cluster of people –
bowed backs – a few arms – and
a few faces illuminated by the lamp –

    I continue walking – new halls – the same
quiet – the same clusters of people –
at the gambling tables –

    As in an enchanted castle – where
the demons are having a gathering –
The gambling netherworld in Monaco –

    I was in the innermost room –
Over there at the end of a cluster I saw
Hornemann ’s face – illuminated by the lamp –

    I go over to him –

    Good day –

    Good day – He did not turn around – I saw

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The green cover was generously strewn
with gold coins and bills –

    Directly across from me sat a pale-faced
little thickset fellow with a black rake
in his hand – Now he begins to rake
the gold towards him –

    The fat shiny yellow serpent
there beside him – that was
the gold coins – hundreds of franc coins –

    These women who sat there
bent over papers – one
could see had a strange flush
on their faces – up to their temples – and
the Men pallid –

    It was so quiet –
I looked at those who sat there
acquiring and relinquishing fortunes – A little twitch around

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the Mouth

    A strange flush in the faces all the way up to
their temples – it was like heavy makeup – it was
mainly the ladies – the Men were mostly pale –
And then small nervous tapping with the hands

    I meander into the other halls –
Anesthetised by the stuffy air –

    I sat down on one of the benches by
the wall –

    My gaze returned perforce to the man on the bench
across from me – the young fellow in the light grey suit

    I had caught myself staring at
him repeatedly –

    He kneaded a black soft hat
incessantly between his hands –

    I stand up so as not to embarrass
him – At the same time I see Horneman 
cross the floor in long strides – He comes
over to me – Well are you not playing

    No –
Do You think I should wager now – I have won
1000 francs –

    No it is not a good idea –
No I do not wish to – I gesture around

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the room –

    Over there on a bench lies a man who was
also staring into space – with
this strange gaze that I had now encountered
in many

    He was bright red in the face and
smiling – and his lips were moving –
He looked like a madman –
Immediately after we
met a thickset figure with a red  … 
he suddenly throws his hat
in the air and laughs –
He had won
one could see that – and he was happy – jubilantly
happy

    – Won’t You play a little said Horneman  
I had not planned to I said – But [why not] place 5 francs
– I do not know how it works – We went over to
the roulette table – He stood for a while waiting – in silence –
a little popping sound from the roulette –

    Go ahead – I showed five francs again and one more –

    – Why are you changing that bill I asked Horneman  – Are you going to play again – No far from it

    A few minutes later – he stood at the same spot at the roulette table – illuminated by the lamp –

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Do You wish to leave – Yes then I will too –

    Are You sure –

    Yes I think so –
Yes if You stay – I will stay as well –
But I should not really play any more –

He was pale – with drops of sweat running down his nose

    We went out to the entrance –

    Pull Your tie down a little I said to
Horneman  – It is way up on Your neck
But he did not hear – He smiled out into space

    Let me see – one, two, 3 – he counted
the gold pieces – no response –
Nearly won 1000 –
then lost 1500 – then won 100
– No I want to leave –

    – What You are leaving –
will you stay perhaps

    He looked at me – as though I
should help him to make a decision
I am leaving –

    Isn’t she pretty that woman over there I said

MM T 2760, fol. 26v

well yes – First I placed 20 on black
then I won – then I left the whole sum
there – won –

    Placed on red and lost –

    I am going in to speak to
the Dane  – wait here in the meantime –

    I sat down – One hour no one came
– Then I took my garments and walked
down to the station to wait for the train –
How odd she is that lady over there
who is approaching you
stiff – and pale – She is looking straight at you –
no – she is staring into space –
– absent-mindedly –
Her pale lips are moving – she
is counting – calculating – Un, deux – trois –

    She is at the roulette table –

    The mountains rose gloomily
against the afternoon air – I longed to return
to smiling Nizza .

MM T 2760, fol. 27r

    From my room in the deserted little
side street I can hear the commotion – and
from the city streets – from the carnival

    A marching band is playing – All at once
I hear a familiar melody – first
weakly then in full volume as the marching band
turns a corner –

    From my window I can see a few
masks down there in the street – bacchantes
arranging trysts with scheming buffoons
– but they are few –

    Suddenly I hear a tumultuous
Gallopade – I peer out – the entire
street is brimming with an exultant dancing
crowd – In the midst of the music
and in front and behind it as well – a crowd that
sings dances and cheers –

    One second and then they are gone – the street
is once again empty and quiet

MM T 2760, fol. 27v

    At night the music and cheering
from the market mingles together with my dream
– Wakened dreams filled with
light images from the riviera –
the white villas amidst the palm trees –

MM T 2760, fol. 28r

MM T 2760, fol. 29r

The Riviera

    Water alternating in a thousand
blue hues – the waves long and immense
towards the shore waves of green-blue
ether –

    And in the distance the
naphtha-like colours alternate in a never-ending
play between delicate violet
and bottle green azure blue – and
sky blue –

    The languid waves heave
themselves up onto the beach under the palm trees
– up to the villas with slender pillars –
shining white as snow

    And I dream a radiant dream

MM T 2760, fol. 29v

    I

MM T 2760, fol. 30r

MM T 2760, fol. 30v

    I went down there around
eight days ago to
travel down to Aasgaardstrand  
– On the pier I met Diriks 
Madame Holmboe  is over there
she evidently wishes to speak with you –
She sat in a carriage
– I went over to her – and leaned
into the carriage door –

    Oh – I am so unhappy –
I understood something had happened – she looked worn
out – Come closer – I
will tell you – will You promise me
not to tell anyone – Yes –
Jappe  – has fallen into a delirium –
– So I have sat up all
night – not a wink of sleep –
– How did it happen –

    We were all together at the hotel
– then he began to laugh
incessantly – then to cry – and
threw himself on the floor – dragged
himself across the floor – we got him
home – after great difficulty –
Oda  was sobbing – spoke to
him to calm him down –
– it was around 5 before
he got to sleep –

    Will you promise me when
you leave – to telegraph
about his state of health – Yes
I will do that

    – Also bring

MM T 2760, fol. 31r

    On the steamboat I met Inge  – and he
was sitting together with Doctor Graff  –

    Good day – you remember me don’t you – You know at

    Yes at – at the tivoli I believe

    Yes of course –

    Where are you going I whispered to Inge
– to Åsgårdstrand   –      I see –      as
Jappe ’s physician –      I see –

    Yes I have been expecting something like this for a long time
– he has been so terribly nervous –
this business about him wanting to shoot people – he threatened
me several times with a revolver –

    Yes – and he has also been drinking excessively –
and this relationship – such conditions could kill an ox

    Tell me something Munk  You are so – melancholy
today – said Graff. What can one do
in order to cheer you up –

    I am no more melancholy than usual –
– I have a bit of rheumatism – and
heart palpitations can You recommend something for that –

    Come up and see me – it is often a question of incorrect diet –
You know those are excellent clothes You
have there – exceptionally good looking – comfortable –

    But you are so melancholy – dispense with that sad smile –
he – patted me on the knee –

    But I will never be happy, I said –

MM T 2760, fol. 31v

    Tell me I asked Inge  – when he left

    The boat stopped at Horten 
Inge and I stood watching
the people on the pier –

    Look at her over there – the one with the flowers on
her hat – she is not bad – is she

    no lovely –

    We both stared at the woman with the hat
Then we suddenly see – Jappe  getting onto
the steamboat –

    He looked pale – eyes slightly
piercing –

    We walked across the deck –

    I had a little nervous attack
last night – but am all right now – had
not slept – travelled to Horten to
procure chloral –

    Inge and Jappe went below deck – When they
returned – Inge said to me it
is not Delirium – only nerves –

MM T 2760, fol. 32r

We were sitting at Krohg’s –
Krohg  sat on the Sofa –
The rest of us around the table – Jappe  next to
Madame Krohg  –

    Will you answer – or not – Kristian 

    No I have decided not to
answer –

    Krohg gazed at her with an expression
I had not seen before –

    Ask Jappe you are sure to get an
answer –

    No I have not seen Kristian like
this before – look at his demeanour – he has
read Monte Christo –
– Can we be friends again – then –

    never –

    Do you mean it is over now –

    Yes –

    Oh dear – how unpleasant –

    No longer friends – are We? You
don’t want to – you know me – Kristian –
– No I don’t want to – he was
already a little unsteady in his voice – but
he pulled himself together –

    With someone the likes of Jappe – who echoes everyone

MM T 2760, fol. 32v

    Ugh – Who can say nothing more than yes and
amen – What    well let’s see – is Kristian 
nice – Little Jappe 

    Jappe says no –

    You see she says laughing he can
say no –

    What a spineless rag – When I paint
and have use for a painting rag – I
think of Jappe – what a Painting rag
he is –

    Do you not think I am beautiful then Kristian
no – Oh –

    You don’t say –  … 

    Oh yes you are a conceited one by the love
of God – Then it is you who have
caused me to be conceited – you have told me I am beautiful
like no other –

    Jappe was extremely nervous I could see
said almost nothing – his gaze directed downward the entire
time – it was as though he took pleasure in her
merely with his nerves she who sat there beside him
– merely the awareness that she sat there
right beside him –

MM T 2760, fol. 33r

    Had slept poorly the night before last and
was very nervous – went out in the afternoon
up to Madame Krog  – She and Per  and the maid
were in the kitchen –

    We went into the sitting room – She looked
unwell – had not slept – and complained about
her eye – I thought she had marks resulting from
blows above the eye – it was probably only my imagination –

    I suggested that she go down to look at
my pictures – She thought they were excellent
we sat in the vestibule of the hotel to
wait for the steamboat – It struck me
how conspicuously nervous she was – spoke
hardly at all – went repeatedly out to the veranda to
see if the steamboat had arrived – I knew she
was expecting her two children – but Jappe  was
probably the real reason –

    She wished to go down to the pier
almost an hour ahead of time –

MM T 2760, fol. 33v

    We finally saw the smoke from the boat out by
Horten  –

    How long does it take to get here she asked
20 minutes – that was a long time
she began to play with Per 
sang a little waltz which the boy danced to –

    Madame Klein  walked past – How
had the story gone about – her and Jappe  back then
– Yes she had mentioned something
about them – then he had wanted to kill her
– We had difficulty in taking the
revolver away from him Madame Holmboe  and I
– he wanted to keep it in his pocket and follow
Madame Klein –

    – The revolver drama –

    Well imagine if there will be a revolver drama
down here as well –

    Oh – I don’t think there will in the long run –
Yes little Jappe could well – he is
absolutely insane

    She peered after the boat – I think we should go now

MM T 2760, fol. 34r

    Very well now we will just have to wait
on the pier – We walked in that direction –

    The boat came closer
She stared out at it – was pale

    Jappe  is not aboard she said
as the boat approached the pier –

    I held little Per  – she went to
meet Sasja  and Bas  –

    Would You like to have supper at my place
– No thank-you I am too tired – perhaps
I will come later –

    I had eaten – and went upstairs to
go to bed – I had just taken off
my Coat and waistcoat – I heard footsteps outside – someone knocked
on the door – immediately after Oda ’s voice – are You
going to bed Munk  – I came only to
give You the krone You lent me –

    I’m coming I said and hurried
to put on my clothes –

    Why don’t You open the door – I opened
the door – I had not gotten dressed –

MM T 2760, fol. 34v

Oh – it doesn’t matter she said –

    She stood in there in the semi-darkness
in her light grey throw-on cape –
I was embarrassed – Come in – I removed
some things from a chair – or
– perhaps – we should have some wine –
we can go down to the parlour – or go
to your place – We went out to the hallway
– Sasja and Bas sat there on the stairs –

    I was given a bottle of wine at
Miss Krohg ’s – shall we go to your place
or shall we drink here – as you
wish –

    I said nonchalantly to her
– Then we walked off –

    We sat facing one another – Sasja slept
with her arm under her head on the table – Bas
in the corner of the sofa –

    The maid prepared a bed in the next room
I asked in French if Jappe  had
stayed until late – yesterday evening –

    Yes she said – around eleven – he made a terrible commotion – totally mad

    Was he inebriated

    Yes – He is always that way – He

MM T 2760, fol. 35r

I left rather quickly – she accompanied
me to the door – Ask Kristian  to send the canvas
she said – and tell little Jappe 
to come tomorrow –

    Shall I ask him insistently –

    Oh he should not come if
he has not thought of it himself

    The first thing I did when I came to
town the day before yesterday was to stop by the Grand  –
Krohg appeared to be alone – I went over there and sat down –
Immediately after I see Jappe – arrive –
he looked poorly – tear-stained –

    I have an errand to do at the gilder’s
come along with me I said – he understood I had
something to say to him and he left immediately –

    Oda  says hello – and asks you to come –
I said when we came out to the street –

    Will you go I asked – Yes – if I have the money

MM T 2760, fol. 35v

    When I had done my errand
I went once more into the Grand  – sat down

    Krohg  and Jappe  sat in
a Corner

    Michelsen came over to me –
Well – how are things in Åsgårdstrand 
are they stabbing one another with knives down there – hey?
– they are fighting –

    How –
Well he wanted to shoot you at least
– Jappe –

    Yes he wanted to do something like that –
They are totally inebriated over there – their brains are
totally soaked –

    Are they friends now –

    Yes perfect – Krohg is such an
imbecile – he obviously
cannot project anything but friendship –

    They have sat drinking together the entire morning –

    Ugh I think that is revolting –
what –

    Yes – it is disgusting –  … 

MM T 2760, fol. 36r

 …  about a woman –
I would find it amusing to know
what the two of them have been talking
about – it would be typical of – Krohg 
to embrace Jappe  – in sentimentality –

    Fellow shipwrecks unite –

MM T 2760, fol. 37r

    Since Thursday I have been terribly
weak – Have occasionally stopped by the Framer
to look at my pictures – I feel that I am removing
myself more and more from the public’s taste – feel
I am going to offend even more –

    I have been so weary that I have dragged myself
along the streets – The day before yesterday was forced to go to bed
at 8 o’clock and slept until 11 o’clock the next
day woke up tired. – Have the whole time had
a sickening feeling of
indifference towards everything – to paint is
utterly unimportant –

    Have mostly sat at the Grand  – so weak that
I have had difficulty holding my head up –

    Have hardly been able to think – felt as though
I must be mad –

    I met Krohg  yesterday morning in
the Grand – I thought he had been down
visiting Oda  – What do you think of the picture –

    What picture

    Your Wife’s –    Me? – I have not
been there – have been bedridden for 2 days –

    What ailed You –

    Well – I have lain in bed fantasizing – thrashing and
was about to go mad – can you not see

MM T 2760, fol. 37v

it in my appearance –

    Yes – You look a little red and are sweating a bit –
– So you had something similar to what
Jappe  had – then – It’s true but much worse – I
could not sleep –

    Look There goes Krag  over there –

    Is he a Norwegian? –

    A Norwegian – yes Krag  – You
know the man who wrote those poems – don’t you remember

    – Yes – there was someone who showed
me some poems –

    Yes that was me –

    When was that – 2 days ago – yes well
I do not remember – Still a bit groggy –

    Later in the morning I
saw Oda  and Jappe – crossing the street –
She in a black dress – younger and prettier
than ever –

    He looks terrible that Jappe
said Michelsen  – whom I was walking with –

    Yes – he looks like a Gypsy –

    Not a fine fellow –

    Oh – I like him very much

MM T 2760, fol. 38r

    Besides there is something strange about – Oda  –
floating above all of this – fresh and smiling
– while all of the others – the men
lie perishing in the morass –

    It’s true he said and laughed –

    Oda inquired about Krohg  – had searched for
him everywhere –

    Around dusk I met Jappe  – I
am leaving by train in an hour’s time – let
us sit and drink a glass of beer –

    Krohg was strange the last time I was home
he came over to me and said solemnly
I would like to speak with you alone –

    Bien I said – we went down to a bodega –

    Listen Jappe he said

    Are you fond of Oda

    – I did not respond to that –

    Well he said – I know that you are –
Will you help me rescue her –
You must promise me to remain here for a few
days – on your word of honour – I must be able
to speak with you –    Yes I will I said

    Then we will travel together all three of us

MM T 2760, fol. 38v

    We became terribly good friends – and
were moreover exceedingly inebriated

    He was now using such lofty words
– rescue –

    I believe she is best capable of rescuing herself I said –
when she wishes –

    Then we were supposed to travel down together –
We had too little money when it came down to it
so Krohg  stayed behind –

    Yesterday – Oda  received a letter – it was so
despairing – that she immediately wanted to make the trip
back to town –

    They are together now –

    I am meeting Oda at 8 o’clock –
I have merely to see her
to know her decision –
You can imagine my apprehension

MM T 2760, fol. 39r

    on the 1st of September I met Madame Holmboe 
and was together with her in the bodega
with Krogh and Oda  and Nilsen – Oda sat
in between them – Krohg  was quite satisfied
– Jappe  very nervous –

    Madame Holmboe and Oda were reconciled –
In Molde – there were so many
fine People – she said – a baron
Grosh – an Englishman –

    Krohg mentioned the word Discretion –

    – What asks Madame Holmboe

    It seems she does not know what it is –
Tell me did you have discretion for dinner –
– what –

    – The next day they travelled to Åsgårdstrand  
[I]  was together with Madame Holmboe and Miss Buhre  and
Lieutenant Sommerschildt the day before yesterday

    I ate alone at the Grand  sat in the innermost area
of the room – Now and then I glanced over at Henrik
Ibsen  who sat to my right –

    Far off by the entrance I see

MM T 2760, fol. 39v

a lady –

    I did not know if she was pretty or
ugly – yet I had a strange feeling
that I would become fond of her some time in the
future – She and her group
came closer – they took
a table close by me – she sat with her back
to me – I saw her in profile – I watched
her continuously – suddenly she looks me in the eyes
– how beautiful she was –

    After a while I go into the café
– and waited to see if she would
also come – I was certain she would
come – was certain that I would
see her – it took a long time – Lieutenant
Sommerchieldt comes over to me –

    Madame Holmbo  is a very nice lady
pretty and nice –

    Yes

    Yes her Husband as well – am terribly fond
of him

    Yes her husband as well –

    It seems he is busy painting in Nordland
– Yes that is fortunate for him –
Yes that is extremely fortunate –

MM T 2760, fol. 40r

    Is Madame Holmboe  at home I wonder
– Yes I think so –

    Should we perhaps invite her to drink
coffee with us –

    I will write a note and send it up –

    Very well let us do so –

    I can now see the lady from the dining room
entering with her group – she sits
in such a way that I have [her] directly facing
me in profile –. Immediately after I have
her eyes directed straight at me

    We agree to send for
Madame Holmboe –

    She enters with Miss Buhre 

    I have at last found her
I say – one that I can love –

    Really Munch, I don’t think so – You
will never love anyone – I’m afraid
Never Never Munch she says peering directly into my eyes
– Merely by Your voice one can hear
it – it is so cold –

MM T 2760, fol. 40v

    Today at the Grand  – Hans Jæger  and I
in the innermost corner at the Grand. –

    Krohg  Oda  and Jappe  further away by
the entrance –

    I had been together with Jappe
yesterday – he had asked then –
First looked at me at length – which he sometimes did
when it was a serious matter – Will Jæger  be
in Town for long? I do not know –

    I must speak to him alone this afternoon –
– I must get him to leave –
– Why?

    Well – for her sake – she becomes so
nervous – He must leave –

    Then he asked me – Has he told
you that I have written to him – Yes

    Has he told you what he has written –
or what I have written to him? No –

    I knew that they had been together just the two of them
yesterday in a bodega and I wished
to see what effect it had had –

    Will you stay here I asked

    No – I will leave as soon as I get some money
– preferably immediately.

    I understood the encounter had had an effect

MM T 2760, fol. 41r

    – He is evidently unhappy Jappe  I said
– Yes – Love is like that –

    There is something comical – about such
an aspect of it – I have myself been
like that – but there is something comical –

    Has it left you now –

    Yes – has and has not –

    Do you feel some of those stabs under the heart
– Oh yes – he said and looked at me –
have felt it twice today – really –

    But – if she came to me now
I don’t know – what I would say –
those things cannot surface
again now – it’s over –

    – I have been with her
this summer – I think she is nice –
but in love – no – I have been
vaccinated –

    Yes one becomes vaccinated –
Jappe came over later – after
Krohg  and Oda  had gone to eat –
I was intoxicated yesterday he told me –
– mostly nervous actually –
was thrown in the drunk tank – had insulted some

MM T 2760, fol. 41v

constables in the street – In the Drunk tank
was a meat vendor and a drunken farmer
who sang and laughed incessantly –

    I had one of my attacks – in there
While I lay there howling – the constables laughed
inside – it serves him right they said – –
The weather was radiant – in the afternoon –
I felt better than I had in a long time –

    The palace  was surrounded by a bluish haze – the shadows
that fell along the street were long – the outfits
were bright and lustrous – it was
teeming with people –

    I am walking down the street with Sommerschildt
– I encounter Oda   and Jappe   riding in a carriage
– presumably leaving town by way of Drammensveien  –
    I felt a second of envy
– I – I – have no one –

    Jæger  and I are sitting at the Grand  –
We talked about Trygve Andersen  who
had been so intoxicated. –

    I am not interested in drinking I said
– I for one only become weak when I

MM T 2760, fol. 42r

get intoxicated – and therefore abstain –

    I am about to become
a habitual non-drinker –

    I looked at him –
You know what? – I believe you
will end up dancing the cancan on
the graves of all your friends –
those who have drunk themselves to death –
whom you have induced to drink themselves
to death –

    Jæger  laughed –

MM T 2760, fol. 42v

    Jappe  and I and Bokken  are sitting
in a booth at the Grand  – 2 bottles of
Champagne and fruit – a bit intoxicated – Bokken
unrestrained and – singing French ballads –
I ordered a room in
the Hotel Continental  for Jappe and myself –

    I went ahead Jappe and Bokken
drove to her place –

    I had slept for about an hour when
Jappe comes in – Do you want beer
– no thanks – Nonsense you must – he
sits down next to my bed – sits
quietly – Then he suddenly exclaims – I think
I am going mad – stares out into space.

    Has she been mean today I ask
You bet she has!
That is a loathsome human being – intolerably loathsome

    – Then he says –

    I am so very fond of you – you
are the only human being I like –

    Oda  I love most – but you I like most –

MM T 2760, fol. 43r

    He Suddenly falls to his knees before
the bed – buries his head in the eiderdown –

    Do you understand how much I love her

    – Yes I said –

    It is torture to love like this –
Thereupon he stands up – and goes in
to bed –

    Was together with them the next day
at the Grand  –

    One day a week we sit at the Grand
Jappe   tells me – she had
been absolutely vile – In Åsgårdstrand 
they had been together at night –
She says to him – I do not want to do this with you
he asks why

    – I do this with Kristian  as well –
she had the previous day asked
me – do you think I embrace
Kristian like this – then I had answered: No –

MM T 2760, fol. 43v

she had then turned red –
That night in Åsgårdstrand  I had
one of my attacks again – and did
not sleep a wink –

    Now – yesterday she told
me that she had only said that
to me that night because I
had kissed Bokken  the last time we
were together at the Grand  – that time
you know – Bokken recounted later that
she had kissed – me – it was
probably true since she says so – I do not
remember –

    Am standing one day together with Madame Holmboe 
in the street – Miss Buhre  arrives
– she was very pretty in her black dress
– We were at the tivoli –
Returning from the tivoli Miss Buhre and I walked
together – we walked close together repeatedly
– she is always quiet – we hardly spoke
– it was nice to just walk together –

MM T 2760, fol. 44r

at the entrance Madame Holmboe  says –
I think You and Miss
Buhre  should drink Champagne together
– would you like to I ask –
Yes – I would love to – as long as it
does not become known –

    It is dangerous to drink Champagne
I say while directing my gaze at Madame Holmbo –
she laughs – yes but it does not have
to always end up as with us –

    I went up to visit Madame Holmboe yesterday
– It is not me you are
seeking she says laughing – surely
it is Miss Buhre – she threatens
with her finger – besides she is not here –
I left rather soon – since
it was Miss Buhre I wished
to meet

MM T 2760, fol. 44v

    Oda  Krohg , Jappe  Michelsen  and I
at the Grand  –

    Madame Bergh  is ill says Michelsen suddenly
– she had been operated on in the mouth, the jaw
– they believe it is inflammation of the bone –

    Bergh looked so unwell – had
not slept in a fortnight –

    Ergo love – said Krohg –
Is she better asks Oda  –
It has returned – she has to have a new operation
– Has she become ugly – asks Krohg

    – I don’t know –

    I sat still – each
word – every little tone, every pause
fell like heavy blows against my
head – she whom I for
six years of my life

MM T 2760, fol. 47r

    I avoided the Grand  yesterday – I
was in the vicinity of the Café there I catch sight of Stang 
and Miss Buhre  – I understood she wished
to talk to me – in order to torment me anew?
no would not see her

    And Stang by the Café – I understood it
had taken place – he was a little sad and kind –
as opposed to earlier. I understood it had taken place
– the beheading had taken place I was beheaded –
– And that he was so kind – if only he
had been angry – as before –

    I pretended to be cheerful – but I only wished him
harm – to be able to torment him in some way
– that which could not be undone had
taken place –

    I went home on the eleven o’clock train – Meilænder 
entered – oh are You here – why didn’t You
come to the Grand – why should one always go
there I replied –

    Oda  and Krohg  and Jappe  and Madame Holmboe 
and Stang were there –

    He did not mention Miss Buhre that means she had
left

MM T 2760, fol. 47v

    You were supposed to meet her at five thirty
Why did You not come –

    I had only walked by she was
not there – besides Stang  had said that
he was going to meet her –

    I did not sleep a wink
– there was a strange burning sensation in my head –
that burned my very thoughts –

    I have only met Miss B  once
during these 6 days – she was walking together [with]
her fiancé – I nodded and wished to pass by
– she walked towards me –

    I felt that I wore a cheerful expression
Did You come that time
when You had written to me –

    Yes I did – I passed by the place
at the exact hour – when you were not
there I continued on my way – I felt
my voice was auspicious –  … 
it sounded absolutely indifferent –

MM T 2760, fol. 48r

Were You going to meet someone else –
hence a little jealous – or possibly a jealous nature –
Someone else – no –
To say that I had met someone would appear
as though I had wished to make her jealous –
I imagined in addition that Stang  had
told her that I was meeting someone – she would
then presumably become suspicious when she thought
I was lying –

    Why don’t you write to me when you can come
then I said – some time when it is convenient –
I pretended that I was in a hurry and touched
my hat – adieu adieu –

    Now that Stang has left – I am more relieved
– do not have the intolerable thought that
she is with him –

    I was at the Circus yesterday –
Directly in front of me sits doctor Thaulow 
– Madame Bergh  enters in a white and
black striped dress – she is with her mother
– she was more beautiful than ever
– she looks up often – I feel her gaze –
you have won – it has passed –  …   …   … 

MM T 2760, fol. 48v

 …   … 

    I can look at her calmly – even
without hate –

    she looks up smiling coquettishly –

    I look at her as at any
attractive lady – It was a satisfaction for me
– to seek out some kind of love for
her – as a counterbalance to the other one –

    I was up visiting Holmbo  –

When she was evicted from the pension
because of Meilænder  – she telegraphed
her husband to come – was fortunately a little sick
– so she could use it as an excuse –
Her husband telegraphed affectionately – arriving next
day –

    They had a splendid
relationship – Presumably after the night
– I did not know if she had informed
him of the relationship –

    The husband was drawing – madame was
curled up by a propane stove –

MM T 2760, fol. 49r

    Am I not attractive – tell me –
Her husband looked at her
Oh you – but could not refrain from
admiring [her] –

    It was impossible for me to repress a smile –
Miss Buhre  is coming – madame Holmbo  –
She is a deceitful woman she will
avenge me I suppose –

    Jappe  wished to leave I went
with him – I had heart palpitations from hearing
her mentioned – did not wish to meet her
as she might possibly see my emotions –

    When we were outside – we began
to talk about madame Krohg  –

    she is absolutely mad – I no longer
spend very much time with her – she
is always scolding me – One night
she wanted to escape out of a window
in her undergarments – Krohg grabbed her – he
was going to fetch water asks her first
to promise him not to go out – she promises
– when he enters – she is sitting
naked outdoors on a fence –
she shouts my name and is crying –
Krohg was on the verge of going to get me

MM T 2760, fol. 50v

one day she did not wish to drink
because she claimed the water was poisoned
– If things continue this way – she
will be admitted to an
asylum

    Met Jappe  in the street yesterday – invited me
to go with him down to a bodega – he wanted to tell
me something – on our way down there I
see Miss Buhre  across the street
– she is walking alone –

    I thought for a second to go over [to her]
– but I continued on my way just the same –

    In the Bodega Jappe tells me that
– he had written a letter in which he
says he is no longer very in love with her –
he told me that today she had been nasty
towards him – as usual –

    she had exclaimed angrily: I am tired of
all that rubbish about revolvers and poison –

    She wanted to travel to Drøbak  – it would

MM T 2760, fol. 51r

be wonderful to be rid of him.
he told me that – his sister sat up
alone in her room – Holmbo  had
found the letter from Meilænder  – had
broken into a box – wanted a divorce
 As we walk up the street – we run
into Meilænder – have you seen my
sister Jappe  inquires – Yes – they are
in full agreement again –

    I tell him he should get divorced
says Jappe – I like Holmbo
much better than my sister –
We are sitting at the Grand  and encounter
Holmbo and his wife – both red-eyed
– Madame Holmbo  had
a new hat – is it attractive? she asks.

    The day before yesterday I was with the Sjelderup sisters –
sat with both of them at the table – Miss Schjelderup  the
elder was very charming – I know that she has
told madame Holmboe that she quite likes
me –

MM T 2760, fol. 51v

    Later [I]  meet Oda  and Krohg  and
some others at the Grand  – remain there
until 2 o’clock in a room with Colin –

    Madame Krohg  sat next to me
the whole time – we
looked at some magazines together – and

MM T 2760, fol. 53r

Nizza   12/12 91

The waves chase each other towards the shore, again and again
the sea opens its mysterious green-blue gullet
as if to show me what resides down there
in the deep – yet it lasts only an instant – the water closes onto itself
with a white-fringed crest as cover

    The water falls crashing towards the shore
spilling over the sand like gleaming
liquid silver – reflecting the sun
with mother-of-pearl lustre

    And it shoots its radiant
white foam – white as snow –
– spraying its salty water in my
face

    But out there – out there – behind the azure blue
horizon – back there behind the luminous
clouds – what is there –
I once thought the end of the world
was there –
now I know nothing

MM T 2760, fol. 54r

    Where does that faculty abide, of what substance
is it made that faculty which every living being
possesses the ability one uses to endeavour to
shape oneself, develop oneself – this no one knows –
The rudiment of life – or if you will the soul
or spirit –

    It is foolish to deny the existence of a soul
– For one cannot deny the existence of the rudiment of life
existence

    One must believe in immortality – to the
extent that one can claim that
the rudiment of life – the spirit of life must still exist
after the body’s demise –

    This ability – to hold the body together
– to cause the substances to grow – the spirit of life
what becomes of it –

    Nothing perishes – one has no example concerning this matter
in nature –

    The body that dies – does not disappear – the substances
disintegrate – are transformed –
But the spirit of life where does it go –

    Where, that no one can say – to assert its non-
existence after the body’s demise is as foolish as [to assert] that this spirit
could definitively point to what it is composed of – or where it will exist

MM T 2760, fol. 54v

    A fanatical belief in an individual
religion – for example Christianity – brought about
heathenism – brought about a fanatical belief
in a non-god –

    One became content with this
disbelief in a god – which of course was also
a form of belief – To assert anything at all
about what comes after death is foolish

    It was in connection with the
great wave that spread across the globe – realism
Objects did not exist unless they could
be proven, explained chemically or physically
– painting and literature had become
that which one saw with one’s eyes or heard with
one’s ears – it was nature’s outer shell –

    One had become content with
the great discoveries that mankind had made
– one did not imagine that the greater
the discoveries the greater the riddles to solve and
the more riddles to solve – one had
found bacteria – but what
do they consist of –? again –

MM T 2760, fol. 55r

    The mystical will always exist – will –
the more that is discovered – the more
inexplicable things there will be –

    The new trend – whose progress
whose antennae one can trace across the line –
will give expression to all this
which for more than a lifetime now has
been repressed – All this craving – all this which
humankind will always desire profusely
– mysticism –

    It will give expression to all that
which is so delicate that it hardly exists in inklings
in suppositions – Myriads of unexplained
things – newborn ideas that have not
taken form

    In France there  … 

MM T 2760, fol. 55v

    The old folks were right when they said that
love was a flame – for like the flame
it left behind a mere heap of dust –

    He – You shall create great works – immortal masterpieces
shall issue from your hands
I – Yes – I know – but can You get
rid of the serpent that is digging at
the roots of my heart ? – No – that is impossible.

MM T 2760, fol. 56r

I was walking along the road with two friends
– the sun was setting
– I felt a wave of sadness –
– The sky suddenly turned blood-red

    I stopped, leaned against the fence
tired to death –
– gazed out over
the flaming clouds like blood and swords
– the blue-black fjord and city –
– My friends walked on – I stood
there quaking with angst – and I
felt as though a vast, endless
scream passed through nature

MM T 2760, fol. 56v

    This mystifying roulette – the gambling table
it turned into a
capricious creature – that has
its own whims – and
the roulette is its brain – How
strong was my sense today of this mysterious
monster – I took notes and observed in order
to investigate its habits – After
several long sequences – it begins
all of a sudden to alternate from red
to black several times – once red once black – I feel a
strong impulse to join – in – it will
continue like this – but I did not give
in – and the colours came up – alternately red and black
red and black – A woman directly across followed
and won – then the colours come up two and two –
twice black twice – red –

    Next to me sit a man
and a woman – Red has come up
twice – Now black will come up I think –
and place [a bet] on black – the man beside me does the same –

MM T 2760, fol. 57r

I sit most of the time by the fireplace
– weak and ill – have not done any work
lately – How the thoughts churn in my
poor head – memories gnaw
deep in my breast – I feel as though I can
point directly to the place where the
wound is – it is as though it is open –

    Memories of the dead – why
did you do that – why did you refrain from
doing that – Never to have
atoned for – mistakes one has committed –
I occasionally get a sudden and almost
idiotic feeling of gratitude towards
certain people who
in days gone by have been more or
less kind –

    An old captain who had
once shown me an exceptionally kind face –

    The tears almost welled in my eyes at the thought of
it – And my deceased tutor –

    I sit gazing at the fire in the fireplace

MM T 2760, fol. 57v

while watching it crackling and burning – I suddenly
come to think of the inquisition
everything evil that religion has caused on
the one hand

    Then I come to think of
one of the women I have loved – think
of the others –

    I saw her name
in the newspaper – she had given a concert –

    The question arose once again
was she ever in love with you
– had the fault been mine or hers –
– I think about what I was like before
I knew her – and now – what a contrast
– Now I feel like a wrung out
– broken wreck –

    Today I have figured out how much I
have to live on – I must stop
going to cafés – must eat at less expensive
restaurants – If I am to get away
I must not spend more that 2 ½ francs per day

    I am so alone – the thoughts come
so

MM T 2760, fol. 58r

    Skredsvig and his wife arrived and invited me
to go with them to Monte Carlo –

    We would eat extravagantly – and go to the concert –

    I do not wish to gamble – If I lose
I will have nothing to live on this month

    I once again ascended the steep staircase
that leads to the Gambling inferno – I feel
once again the stifling air in the game hall –

– I pause at one of the tables
– wait calmly – I had devised
a method en route – only wager
when a colour came up 4 times –
I make notes in a book –

    black comes up – 4 times – I place [a bet] on black
and win – then I wait – place [a bet]
and win – I win each time –

    It was a strange feeling to
repeatedly have luck – I somehow felt

MM T 2760, fol. 58v

ahead of time that my colour would come up
and it did –

    I had won 60 francs – I lose
suddenly for the first time. – I had decided
to leave when I began to lose
– I stood up and left – I was warm
in the head – and it felt good to get out in the air

    Last night I did not sleep –
I watched the little strip between
the draperies gradually become lighter – I lay
hot and tossing in my bed – I
made notes – I heard the crackling
of the roulette – The more I thought
about it the more my method seemed to
be infallible – I merely had
to wait – merely wait – then I
would – had to win – and I needed
money – for my work – what would I not
do then – when I had it –

    How I longed for the day to
begin – I would leave on
the first train

MM T 2760, fol. 59r

    When it was light out

    I lose now every day – I dare not imagine what will happen –

    Every morning I make the decision not to
make the trip – Then it comes over me at a
specific hour – and there is not even the slightest
hesitation – not to make the trip was impossible
– I want to win again – and again – I run
up the stairs – over to the table – and I lose lose

    I spoke today with a waiter on the
Promenade – we immediately began to speak of the gambling
in Monte Carlo – He pointed to someone walking
by – look at him – he has gambled –

    I saw a man I had often taken note
of – a thin tall fellow – with long hair
– a shawl thrown over his shoulders – had
something of a plucked bird about him – In fact
I will designate him as a poet –

MM T 2760, fol. 59v

    He had come here with 14 Million
– he began to gamble –

    One day he places a thousand francs on
red – black comes up – he places
double the amount 2000 – black again
he places the double again of what he lost
in order to win it back – 3000 – again black –
he continues – 6000 – 12000 – 24000
– 48000 –

    Black came up 16 times –
and the Englishman had lost everything he
owned – He went wild – dashed about
the hall – spoke loudly and threatened suicide
– He was taken into custody – and
the bank gave him 10 francs per day for the remainder of his life.
– But on the condition that he did not gamble –
– Now he has inherited a Million
He has the right to gamble once more –

    I saw him just yesterday – by the roulette
tall and deteriorated – he stood and placed gold pieces
on the table – and lost –

MM T 2760, fol. 67r

A. C Houen’s Endowment  for K  and  … 

Bureau chief Grundt 
The Ministry of Church Affairs 

MM T 2760, fol. 67v

MM T 2760, fol. 98-Vi

MM T 2760, fol. 99-V